Parenting is tough. It is tough with any of our children and there is no instruction manual. You teach them the best values and life-skills you can and you let them try to fly. It is scary. and Based on my experience to date there are many times they land damaged, and you help them to fly again. That analogy is so true for me. Parenting does not stop at a certain age, stage or IQ.
With our children who we also have autism it is REALLY DIFFICULT!
Ironically the more you invest in your child, these strengths you give your child to manage in a mainstream society can be come a tool used in a way you hadn’t thought of.
F aged 19 and now finished A-levels – always measured on that inadequate one-size-fits-all IQ tests as above average. He was WAY above average. And achieved incredible A-levels- in 2 papers he got full marks! But that may have shocked his teachers but he was not shocked. He knew when he was able to drop the subjects he didn’t love and concentrate on the ones he did, that he was doing well. He did EXCEPTIONALLY well!
Way back when I remember the little boy who felt threatened and as he said it “like a jigsaw piece in the wrong Box, or that same boy whose IEP- his individual educational plan (which by the way we insisted on having the opportunity to be involved in writing each year) for THREE FULL YEARS was purely SOCIAL- i could do the learning support but he needed help to learn to MIX with other BOYS…3 years! Now he heads to the PUB with his friends, and festivals regularly.
But I know that if i let go in this nest he may not fly. He doesn’t see that.
I used to have a visual safety mechanism when F became stressed in school or in any social place- think you are a turtle and pull your head back into your shell for protection….so i guess retreat…be quiet… and stop… be SAFE!
The HUGE irony is that the better and stronger i made him, and you make yours, the stronger the resistance to change and to support you get to see now turning towards you. That turtle shell to protect himself becomes a wall of protection against change. And the tram tracks of that 6 year old’s life- the ones you taught him were only one way of MANY to look at to get from A-to -B, has become a filter out to very valid options you are proposing as semi-supported moving on and growing up before you attempt to let him Fly.
I would still change the world for F. But currently i have to chisel slowly and lovingly through that WALL i taught him to build before i can get him to open up to the OPTIONS there are open now. This is the BIGGEST TRANSITION EVER! And while I know it needs a lot of thought, i have a lot more convincing to do, now.
Parenting is REALLY TOUGH!
helen
but remember I was told by the experts ” he may just be a child who never gets tables!…… F aged 5! https://autisticandproud.wordpress.com/?p=3142&preview=true&_thumbnail_id=2967 so NEVER stop BEING the expert yourself!
autisticandproud 
Congratulations on fantastic a level results- F’s world is about to go universal! And you have done everything to teach him about the world and what is safe, and what he can do. He will all know you are there for him, but maybe now is the time to let him stretch his wings a little and see how life treats him. You will always be there for him, but just on the sidelines. You should feel very proud of a fantastic job really well done!
He SHOCKED everyone but himself. But has a bit of innocence about life still to learn… but for now we try to step that up a bit before packing his bags…. but “he might be a boy that never does table!” was the expert assistance i got when he was 5!
he did it – every challenge x https://autisticandproud.wordpress.com/?p=3142&preview=true&_thumbnail_id=2967
Helen, be totally proud of what you have done for F as a wonderful supportive mum, forever making him the strong man he has become.
Love,
Anne Turner
sadly the NI system allows a child to be AUTISTIC til the day and hour he is 18years-the following day he is an ADULT. And the system refuse to be proactive. Despite fighting tooth and nail, over 18’s are discovered when they hit a crisis!
It is HORRENDOESLY STUPID. But that is the reality.
So having spent and succeeded with dusting offs and proactive meetings in a mainstream world he has succeeded HUGELY!.
But we are enniskillen- far from either Belfast or Dublin.
But we NEED to support the lifeskills which my “normal first two learnt bu their mistakes….
when he has the confidence A* that he always had 🙂
hx
He always was Anna.
But he will alsways have new situations LO!L
Delighted that all went well with the A Levels. WELL DONE F.
I completely agree with what you said. Tools we’ve given them can become weapons against us. You express it so well. Struggling with that at the moment but I’d have to say that is better than the alternative and hopefully there will be a balance soon enough xx
isn’t it ironic?
I have noticed in teens in small ways.
While initially i was told by an expert “he may just be a child who can’t do maths”, he did, or WE DID!
So everything in school had to be retaught to make sure it got in. And every word and colour in revision notes until year 11, and then i was in hospital and he had to use the techniques then. And since then i have NEVER even been allowed to LOOK at a page of revision let alone advise on it….”I am happy enough with my methods”.
Such a continuous learning curve for all of us!?
hx
Definitely! Parenting is not easy, we consider it a tough choice.
tim,
i remember reading one of Fionn’s early blogs. he had made a comment about going to gaelic matches and something along the lines of ” i used to hate the noise and everybody roaring. i used to cover my ears. but my parents made me keep going…”
and i know that as the 3rd of 4 there was a guilt associated with “pushing him” and later rationalising with him that was never a major issue with the others. but i am so glad we did.
helen