It is Helen here.

It is on the  few days run up to my mam’s 5 anniversary. I feel it every day at this tome of year. Mothers days was mammy’s last day at home before her short spell on hospital.

Fionn has a very different and easier clear cut experience of death as a release. He has lost 2 grandparents.

We have learnt a lot about his default procession during those time.

And thankfully he is still very close to my dad, his gramps.

this blog was written by fionn to discuss my mammy. And how he experienced her illness and her leaving us.

Now to Fionn in his words:

last year i wrote a blog about me and gran.

my gran died this week. she had alzheimers.

The night before the actual date, i sent mam a text and said “can you send me any old pictures of me and gran together”  – i just wanted to have them to look at. Mam could hardly find any, and I went to dad cos he keeps all the old pictures on his computer. I was was with dad looking through old photos for one of me and her.
But we couldn’t find any.

i felt weird and quite annoyed. I had wanted the pictures to maybe have on my phone, or maybe to put on on instagram to say how i miss her.
I was quite annoyed. I felt like a bad grandson in a way. I thought it felt like i didn’t spend any time with her. There were LOTS of photos of her with other people in the family, just NOT with me. That made me emotious too – weird that i wouldn’t be in any.

It made me wonder had i not loved my gran. Or did gran not love me or anything? then my sensible thought was was obviously that she had loved me and I know i did love her.
Mum  realised i was upset so we chatted about it.

She explained to me that the lack of pictures was probably for 2 reasons.

  1.  Alzheimers made gran seem confused. I knew she was my gran BUT it didn’t always feel like it for some reason.  She seemed to change and got worse and worse. She used to forget our names. My aspergers found the changing personality  sort of difficult…and it felt like I was ‘avoiding’ her because I didn’t quite know what to do, because of her condition and all.
    But I totally still loved gran but she was different. And i found that hard.
    I never really had a chance to get to know her when she changed, because of this, so therefore I wasn’t always comfortable going for hugs and stuff like that. but i loved her and i love gramps and he was always there and very good to her and too me
  2. Gran knew she had Alzheimer. So she was always nervous. She always stayed with gramps. So there are lots of pictures of her with gramps. He made her feel comfortable and safe. She smiled with him. She was also really comfortable with my mam and my aunty Sheely, so there are LOTS of pictures of them with her. But she grew really uncomfortable of getting photos taken.

I did love her obviously. But I just found it difficult to always understand her when she was changing.

So mum was saying that it was a mixture of my shyness and her being nervous…that for different reasons we were both avoiding photographs.

BUT we had gran in our house LOADS. so we have so many memories:

  • she always got me ice cream.
  • when we went to the house she sent us for coke.
  • if she was here when i had a lie in, she’d nibble at my cereal – only the dry bits. Which is kinda weird cos i only eat dry cereal. So maybe i got that from her?
  • she was a really nice lady.
  • she was funny. She had a sense of humour – about bits like i got…rude words and cheeky jokes…sort of similar to me sort of.
  • she was musical. I remember her being in the choir.
  • she was always giggling and generally happy i think.
  • when she was younger she could play the accordion. when she was unwell mum used to play tunes to her and she’d smile and sing along.
  • she was happy with her life apart from the Alzheimers.
  • she crossed her legs and jigged her foot.
  • Christmas dinners and dinners like big family ones must have been confusing for her but she always had a smile on.

So like mum was saying there are reasons that there aren’t many photos of me and gran on our own together, BUT i have so many really nice memories of gran. And in them even though she was confused she felt HAPPY and SAFE. I think my gramps must have made her feel safe and happy.

I feel better knowing she was always happy. 🙂

And there will be pictures of gran on certain big occasions n the family, maybe i am not in the picture, BUT i still was there and i have the memory.


(Sent from my iPad)