a reflective look at himself from Fionn, still aged 12 . Quite amazing how clearly he can identify the autistic parts of himself. (mum)
Words I’d use to describe myself with before my diagnosis.
I am a capable, happy, and almost normal child. But when I was younger, I was none of these things.
I was looking through my years at nursery books with mum a while back, and it brought back a LOT of memories. I noticed that in my first year at nursery, I was really sad, lonely and confused. But in my second year, I had a great big grin on my face the whole time pretty much. So… These are the words that I would use to describe myself with before I understood me.
Lonely – I know I was this because in the photos of me, I was never with a group, always on my own. – if you feel lonely, try and talk to ANOTHER person who is on their own. You only need one friend, not a whole bunch, just one really good one. That’s the best advice I have on the subject.
Confused – I know that I was confused because I didn’t understand myself nor others. I can tell from photos that I was confused because of my eyes. They looked scared and unaware on how to know myself. – I think everyone with Aspergers is confused until they understand themselves and their condition. Them you see how to look at stuff and how your Aspergers makes you look at stuff.
Sad – I know that I was sad before my diagnosis. Because in my first year at nursery, I drew my self portrait with a SAD face. (:'(. it is in this blog and it makes me really sad now to see that picture. And all the other photos I can’t really remember EVER seeing a smile on my face. – if you feel sad, talk to someone. Mum is usually a good place to start , cos if i tell her soething then we kind of go over it together and it helps me understand the problem a bit.
not-confident -i would stand at the outside of every group and just watch but not know how to join. i wouldn’t say anything or do anything. I hated new things. I loved going home to my family cos i was me there 🙂
Lost –one time i went to Italy on holidays with my family . I got a bit freaked out because everybody else was speaking a different language, so how would we manage? Thats how i felt in the early days of me. It was like i was a forigner or a Martian in a world i didn’t get.
Don’t fit- you know what it feel like? It is like you are in a jigsaw box, but you are part of the wrong jigsaw. I hope that makes sense to other Aspies cos i know it does apply to me.
i felt like everyone else thought i was the stupidest guy aroung back then!. I didnt know what to talk about, what to say, how to play, how to sit beside someone, how to be the same. When people would say to play with someone i would answer “i don’t know how” cos i I really didn’t. It took a while not to feel lost, but having one safe friend (Jenny) changed my life. I began bit by bit to make more and when we got my condition diagnosed we tried even harder to help me fit in.
(Sent from my iPad)