change as Fionn grow older and more able to regulate. To be HONEST, the main ones the I remember, were so young and in early life that I’d say they made more impact on us than Fionn…and as everything else in aspergers when you start to UNDERSTAND what is happening, it becomes more manageable. So hang in there!
Helen (mum)

when i was younger i used to get lots and lots of meltdowns ….sometimes in very silly situations.

a meltdown is where i hear loud noises in my head, i feel very strange, i have lots of strange emotions, i sometimes want to run away and hide, i sometimes think i want to scream. i feel confused. I’d love a pill that would make it finished. It makes me very tired afterwards.

I got them cos i didn’t understand myself, when things scared me, when i couldn’t cope with things, or when i didn’t know what was happening.  I used to flap and cry and cry and end up so exhausted that i couldn’t cry any more.

i remember when i was younger and i was having a birthday party and one of my good friends had a strop and said something that annoyed me. One of the other boys told mum that i looked stressed and was behind the shed. Mum took me offside and made me talk about it. Then the tears start but then i can start to deal with it.

Sometimes when i have a melt down years ago, a bad melt-down would mean i might need a day off school to recover.

The things that used to help were

  • going into a room with just mum
  • mum letting me cry
  • squishing me (its like mum really compresses me- its way more than a hug -it kind of holds me in a tight position like Temple Grandin’s squeeze room that she made when studying cows)
  • me talking about what happened while i were getting squished.
  • Sometimes i needed time on my own
  • i like to listen to relaxing music – like John Rutters nice slow music especially Pie Jesu. Chopin’s nocturne, The Swan by Saints-Saens.
  • i just listen and close my eyes and relax.

i really don’t have many melt downs now.

But today i got really upset.

Today when mum was helping with my homework, one of the teachers had asked me to rewrite a poem cos the sheet was all crumpled up and doggy eared. That was because it was in my bag for ages.

My bag is cluttered and messy. I am not good at keeping things tidy.

Then I couldn’t find an Art spelling test. Then i did find two pages of my languages vocab that the teachers had given to help me learn. They were in the worng place, just lying in my bag. They were meant to be in their folders. They were not as messy as some bits but messy!

So i was starting to show that if something was clean and organised it wouldn’t lead to anything. When i was digging through my mess, i found mummy’s Les Miserables program that she had lent me for reading. It was all crumpled and ripped from being in the bag and the cover was torn.

Mum got quite cross with me – and shouted at me about not looking after a precious memory of hers. I want in the other room and started crying into a cushion.

My little brother went looking for me, and i was in the playroom crying. He told mum how upset and weepy i was and she said for me to come in.

i hate people seeing me crying. Sometimes i don’t even cry til mum says “Fionn , do you need to cry?” . But today i couldn’t help it. I thought i had broke one of mum’s memories.

Mum squished me first and asked what was up? I said i was sad about breaking her Les Miserable program that she had looked after for so long. Mum says “is that all that’s up?” and i said yes but she wouldn’t let me half tell so she said “no its not Fionn”. Then i told her what was up. It was because she shouted at me.

Mum gave me a big squeeze and said she was really annoyed cos it was me getting into bad habits, and she wants me to be good at being organised, and i want that too. But I take short cuts!

Mum said the program was just an example, it was nowhere nearly as precious as me. She said that nothing in the world compares to her children. She says that I am different so we have to work on me as a team – cos everything we have tried has worked when we work together.

She said I am her word of art that we keep doing wee things to make it even better every day and we do.

She said she was sorry for shouting and that she should have known better than to shout but she was upset.

Mum asked did it feel better crying in a cushion, or talking about it and getting cuddled by her. it felt way better crying with mum.

We had a long long squish and then mum attacked me because i called he my BIG BIG treasure…

by the way an attack in our house is when you get tickled til you can’t breathe.

We worked through it.

I just had a quiet evening.

Spent time in my room.

Played with my nerf gun

and now i feel better now.

by FionnTension3-burak-arikan-7